


Among Us, In Silence

by PeculiarChild



Series: The Brightside [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressed Keith (Voltron), Established Keith/Lance (Voltron), Getting Together, Heavy Angst, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Hurt Lance (Voltron), Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Keith (Voltron) has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Lance (Voltron) Has Anxiety, M/M, Orphan Keith (Voltron), Pining Shiro (Voltron), Sad Keith (Voltron), Sad Lance (Voltron), Suicidal Keith (Voltron), Suicide Attempt, Worried Shiro (Voltron)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-22 08:30:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15577866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeculiarChild/pseuds/PeculiarChild
Summary: He was so tired. Tired of being sad, tired of suffering, tired of making everyone suffer. Tired of being tired. He could rest now.





	1. I'm Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> Prequel for Take Me Somewhere Nice. Excuse any typos. This work isn't beta'ed yet, and I cried writing it. So. Enjoy the angst.

Done. Keith was utterly, completely done. The burning feeling that emanated from his chest set every nerve in his body on fire, a strong urge to rip his skin and set himself free rising. Even the normally welcomed warmth of Lance lying next to him set his skin aflame, he just had to get away. He couldn't breathe, he was being flayed alive. He needed it to stop, he needed everything to stop.

He slowly wriggled out of Lance's loose hold on him, his eyes burning with his unshed tears. He couldn't look at Lance, his loving boyfriend, who had done so much for him. Yet Keith had somehow managed to fuck that up too. Like he does with every single good thing in his life. He was just a selfish bastard who never cared about others, only himself.

If he did, he wouldn't be thinking of walking into the bathroom with the intent of swallowing every pill he could find in there.

If he did, he wouldn't even think about leaving Lance all alone to deal with his problems.

If he did, he wouldn't make Lance so, so sad.

He hugged himself hard as he choked on a muffled sob and slowly sunk to the ground. A part of him desperately wanted Lance to wake up and tell him he'd be okay, but who was he kidding? He had had enough.

With a soft groan, he got up and slipped out of the room as silent as he could. The fact that it was summer and they slept with the doors and windows open helped. He at least needed to tell Lance how much he loved him, how much he meant to him and how he never wanted to hurt him. He owed him that much.

He slowly padded to their shared study, in search of a pen and paper. He was somehow calmer, but maybe that was just him knowing that it was all going to end soon.

He glanced around as he settled down on the fluffy armchair that Shiro got them as a gift. Their study was a mess, Keith's drawings and Lance's assignment papers littered the messy table all over. With a sigh, he gathered them all in a sloppy pile and put them next to Lance's physics books.

Right. He was searching for a pen and an empty paper. What for? His mind was all blank, except for the growing need to swallow every pill in the house and just fucking die alredy.

..... Yeah. He was going to do that. But he needed to find that pen and paper first. He had to say goodbye... To Lance.

With a deep breath to calm his furiously beating heart and shaking hands, he pulled a clean paper from the paper stack and picked up Lance's favourite pen.

  
_"Go_ _d_ _, I don't even know how to start this. This whole thing feels like a huge joke. I guess it will feel like that to you when you find this in the morning as well. I probably sound like a selfish asshole, and now that I think about it, I probably am._

_This is the path I selfishly chose. Not thinking about the ones who get left behind. Neither you, nor Shiro... Or anybody else for that matter. This sounds hella crappy, considering that it's the last thing I'll leave behind._

_Do you understand now why I was so affectionate tonight? Why I let you hold me as much as you want, and in return clung to you like my life depended on it? Why I whispered "Goodbye" to you after you've fallen asleep?_

_Maybe I should be more specific. These are my last words to you, baby. I can already see the tears forming in your eyes by now, but please don't cry. I hate that I'm making you cry, but I gotta go. You're the best thing that has happened to me in my entire life, and I love you so, so much._

_But I can see that you're suffering as much as I am. The last thing I've ever wanted was to hurt you, but here I am, doing exactly that. And I decided to put an end to our misery._

_I can't take this anymore. No matter how hard I try, no matter how hard you or Shiro tries, the shadows of my past still haunt me. Everytime I close my eyes I see him, forcing me to the ground, forcing me to--"_

Keith held back a choked sob, tears falling onto the paper, mixing with the ink and making some words illegible. He bit his lip to keep quiet, he didn't want to wake Lance up. With a few deep breaths, he forced himself to pick the pen up again, and continue. He could do this. For Lance.

_"--take him, violating me in every way. I just can't get rid of it. I hate it, I hate him and I hate myself. I hate that I'm making everyone sad._

_A yet another selfish part of me doesn't want to leave you, but you'll have Shiro. You'll have Pidge, Hunk and Allura. I don't want you to stay hung up on me. Go on with your life, live it to the fullest. Date new people, see places you've never seen, pick up new hobbies, just... be happy?_

_But if you remembered that there was a broken boy whom you once loved, that would make me really, really happy. Because I love you so much. I never wanted to make you sad. I'm so sorry."_

This was it. With new tears prickling at the corners of his nearly violet eyes, he picked up the paper and padded to the bedroom as silent as he physically could. His and Lance's bedroom. Their bedroom.

No longer battling to blink his tears away, he let them fall freely to the ground as he carefully placed the note on their nightstand. He just stood there for a few minutes afterwards, stuyding his sleeping boyfriend's face.

He looked like an angel. Soft features, a cute nose, lips slightly parted, small puffs of air escaping from the gap. He looked so peaceful. He considered kissing him one last time. But that would be pushing it, wouldn't it? He decided to just smile at him instead, before making his way to the bathroom.

He gulped as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. Eyes bloodshot, permanent bags under his eyes, clearly visible cheekbones from the lack of eating. How could Lance even fall in love with a mess like him?

A part of him desperately wanted to go back to bed and cry with all he has in Lance's arms. But that'd just be postponing the inevitable. He didn't have anything to give Lance, except for painful memories. He deserved so much better than him. Someone like Shiro, who could give him nice memories and love, unlike Keith, who had nothing to give.

Yeah, Shiro. Keith trusted him to take care of Lance when he was gone. Just like how he had taken care of both of them when they thought they would definitely break up. He'd put the pieces Keith carelessly broke back together, just like how he brought them back together. The thought hurt somewhere at the back of his mind, but Keith wanted Lance to be happy.

With his mind set on what he was about to do, he opened the cupboard and took out his pill bottles. All of them. He wouldn't need them anymore. He was careful to leave Lance's own pills in the cupboard. He didn't want to trouble Lance, after all.

He slowly emptied the bottles' contents to his palm, careful to not make any noise. With his empty hand, he filled the glass they always leave in the bathroom with water. Since when did his hands start shaking so much?

He cursed himself for it, for everything. It was finally going to be over. This was the moment he'd been dreaming of ever since that man laid his hands on him. He's been waiting to do this for years. So why, why was it that he was so scared? He'd never been scared of dying before. Was it because Lance? Was it because he didn't want to leave him?

Why did the tears kept flowing? Why did it hurt so much? Why couldn't he make Lance happy? Why, why, why?

Shaking his head furiously, he put all the pills in his mouth, swallowing all of them in one go. There. There was no turning back now. He put the glass in front of the mirror, hands gripping the sink tightly.

He was so tired. Tired of being sad, tired of suffering, tired of making everyone suffer. Tired of being tired. He could rest now. He could feel the pills kicking in already. He felt dizzy, nauseous. His grip on the sink loosened as he slowly sank to the ground, limbs not functioning properly.

A soft giggle escaped him as he realized that in his haste, he left the bathroom door open. He could see Lance's beautiful face. And if Lance opened his eyes right now, their eyes would meet.

He fought the urge to throw up. Somehow, seeing Lance's face calmed him. It was strange. He felt himself slip in and out of consciousness, his vision blurring. So he closed his eyes. Even then, he could still see Lance's peaceful, sleeping face behind his closed eyelids clearly. And then there was Shiro. Then Hunk, Pidge, Allura.

Memories, he realized. His life was flashing before his eyes, just like in the movies. He felt giddy. He never imagined death to be this poetic.

As he fought another wave of nausea, he realized that he couldn't cling to his consciousness anymore. He was slipping away. He curled in on himself as he cracked an eye open to see his boyfriend one last time. He looked beautiful as ever. With a content sigh, he closed his eye again.

Just before he completely succumbed to the darkness that surrounded him his whole life, as if Lance could hear him, he whispered.

"I love you so much Lance, I'm so sorry."


	2. I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A whole lot of Shance, lots of angst, and some fluffy Shklance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry guys, this is sloppy and unbeta'ed but it's like 2 a.m. now and I'm so excited to post this, also, season 7. It's going to ruin us all.

The first thing that Lance had noticed when he woke up was how cold the bed was. It was summer, and Keith was like a living furnace, why would it be cold?

He groaned as he sat upright and rubbed his eyes. It wasn't even morning yet. The glow-in-the-dark clock that Pidge had gotten them as a joke on the wall read 02:33 A.M.

He considered going back to the bed for a few seconds, then realized that Keith wasn't in the bed. He frowned. Was Keith's insomnia acting up again? That doofus. Why didn't he wake him up?

"Keith?"

Lance called out, only to get no response. His brows furrowed as he called out once again, not getting an answer to that too.

"Keith, I swear to god if I find you asleep on the couch again I'll end you."

He got out of the bed with quick movements, eyes catching on the open bathroom door. Why was the bathroom door open? Keith hated leaving doors open. And Lance remembered very well that he closed it before going to bed.

A nasty feeling filled his chest as he gulped audibly, making his way to the bathroom. With his eyes adjusted to the dark, he could make his boyfriend's body lying on the floor.

............ What? Something was very, very wrong.

He blindly reached for the light switch, and gasped in terror when the bathroom was finally illuminated. His breath got caught in his throat as he took in the sight.

Keith was curled in on himself, lying on the floor, empty pill bottless scattered on the sink. Lance felt the blood rush to his head as he let out a shriek of

"KEITH!"

He hurried to his phone, completely ignoring the paper on the nighstand. His shaky hands dialed 911, tears welling up in his eyes.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"M-my boyfriend... H-he committed suicide, we need ambulance, please be quick..."

"May I have your address, sir?"

Lance gave them the address with a shaky voice, eyeing Keith in the bathroom.

"An ambulance will be there shortly."

After he heard the beep that signaled the call has ended, Lance quickly ran to his beloved, cradling him in his arms. He was breathing, but only faintly.

"Keith... Baby, please... Why? I love you, I love you so much, please don't go..."

He hiccuped, stroking Keith's dry tear stained cheeks.

"Please... Stay with me baby. An ambulance is already on the way, so... Please..."

He didn't know how much time has passed before he heard the ambulance sirens in front of the door. He didn't know how much time has passed before the ambulance workers came and took Keith, urging Lance to let go.

He rushed to the room, grabbed the note and his keys -which he'll thank his past self for later- and ran as fast as he could towards the ambulance.

"I'm his boyfriend, please..."

No one questioned him further as he sat down in the ambulance next to Keith, taking his hand in his.

"You'll be okay baby..."

When they arrived to the hospital and Keith was taken to the operation room, Lance was lost. He sunk to the floor in front of the door, silently pleading to every god to spare his beloved.

He thought about the note he stuffed in his pocket, Keith's last words for him. No, he couldn't do it. He couldn't read them. He just couldn't bring himself to do it. He didn't want to be alone. He wanted Keith, he wanted to be with him in their bed, he wanted him in his arms. He wanted--

Suddenly, there was someone standing next to him.

"Sir, please. Get off the floor, you'll hurt yourself. Do you have anyone you can call? I believe you shouldn't be alone at a sensitive time like this."

Lance whipped his head around to see who it was. It was a nurse with a gentle smile, who looked at him sympathetically.

"Sir? Do you hear me?"

Lance closed his eyes and shook his head, took a deep breath and thanked the woman before peeling himself off the ground, instead slumping on one of the empty seats adjacent to the wall.

"I'll... Call someone. Thanks."

The nurse smiled at him once more as she left, presumably for her duties as a nurse. Lance fished out his phone from his pocket. Who could he call? The first name that came to his mind was Shiro. So he did.

"Yeah? Lance?"

The grogginess in his voice was evident, probably from being woken up at such an ungodly hour. Lance felt a sob escape him upon hearing Shiro's voice.

"S-shiro, I--"

"Shh, Lance, what happened? Where's Keith?"

"K-Keith is... He... He tried to..."

Another sob escaped him, he just couldn't bring himself to say it.

"I'm at the C-central Hospital, in front of operation room 432, please..."

There was some shuffling, the sound of the bedsheets and some running.

"Okay, Lance. I'll be there in 10 minutes. Stay safe."

"Okay..."

As Lance was torn between watching the door to the operation room and counting seconds, exactly 10 minutes later, Shiro came in, breathless and sweating. He must've ran all the way here, Lance thought. He got up on shaky legs and made his way towards him, dropping his head on Shiro's broad shoulder.

"Lance... Just what exactly happened to Keith?"

Lance could feel his tears soaking into the gray t-shirt Shiro wore, probably his pyjamas, and he opened his mouth to reply, voice hoarse.

"He... Tried to kill himself."

"Oh Lance..."

Shiro's arms wrapped around him, pulling him in a tight embrace. That was when Lance let go, when the sobs and whimpers he'd been holding since he saw Keith in the bathroom took over.

He buried his face to Shiro's strong chest and cried, cried until he couldn't feel a thing. The more doctors stayed inside the operation room, the more Lance cried.

When Lance didn't have any more tears left in his tear ducts, Shiro sat him down on one of the seats, and sat next to him.

"I'm sorry that I woke you up at this unholy hour. You were the first name that came up to my mind."

Shiro raised a hand to Lance's cheek as he wiped away a stray tear, a shaky smile gracing his lips.

"Hey, don't worry. I'm glad you did. You shouldn't be alone right now."

"He... He left a note, but I feel like he's not going to make it if I read it.

"It's okay. We'll wait for the doctors, and if you feel like reading it, we will. I'll be with you."

Shiro dropped his hand, but Lance caught it mid-air.

"Shiro... You love Keith, don't you?"

Shiro's eyes widened, the sea of gray gazing at Lance with a tinge of redness on his cheeks. He opened his mouth, only to close it back, and finally let out a defeated sigh.

"Yeah. I do."

A pause. The tick tocks of a clock.

"Just like I love you."

Lance didn't say anything, didn't let go of Shiro's warm hand. For a second, Shiro thought he had fucked up, but Lance sadly smiled at him.

"You know, we talked about this with Keith before. How we wouldn't mind if you were in a relationship with us."

Shiro cocked his head, a flash of doubt in his eyes.

"All three of us?"

"All three of us. Keith wanted to wait a little more to open up the idea to you. He wanted to get a little better before we told you, so I indulged him. But now..."

He squeezed Shiro's hand, his throat tightening around the invisible lump that he just couldn't swallow.

"Hey... It's okay. When he wakes up--"

"If he wakes up..."

With his free hand, Shiro pulled Lance close, laying his head on his shoulder. He stroked the chestnut locks softly, trying to comfort him. That seemed to shut Lance up. He continued.

"As I said, when he wakes up, if he wants to, I can. Be with you. There's nothing more I want than to be with you and make you two happy.

"Shiro--"

And that was when the doctors emerged from the operation room, stuffing whatever Lance had to say back in his mouth. He quickly ripped himself from Shiro's embrace, looking at the doctors hopefully. The female one gave him a tired smile.

"Are you the relatives of the man inside? We never had the time to get his name, considering the urgent situation. And you weren't in any condition to fill the papers. Are you feeling better now?"

"Y-yeah. I'm his boyfriend, Lance McClain. He's Keith Kogane, and he doesn't have any relatives alive."

"Oh. You'll have to fill the papers for  us then. We tended to your boyfriend as best as we could, and today must be your lucky day, he's going to live. He needs to stay a few days at hospital, but you can visit him in visiting hours. I advise you to go home today, it's unlikely that he'll wake up today. You need to rest too. Come back tomorrow morning. He'll have woken up by then."

Lance felt another set of tears welling up at his eyes, but this time from relief and happiness. Keith was going to live. He was going to get to hug him again!

"Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you so much!"

He blabbed to the doctor, trying to wipe the tears in his eyes, but failing miserably.

"It's you who saved him, Mr. McClain. If you had been any later, he wouldn't have survived. So you should thank yourself as well. Now please, everyone needs rest."

The doctor smiled at him again before passing him by, and into the elevator. Lance turned to Shiro, who was grinning at him.

"I told you."

"Yeah... I really don't want to leave, but the doctor asked us to leave..."

"We probably should. Come on, I'll call an uber."

Shiro dragged Lance outside, to the place where he called the uber.

"Shiro?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you mind... Staying with me tonight? I still feel a little shaken up..."

"Of course."

Rest of the uber ride was silent, Lance half-sleeping on Shiro's shoulder. When they reached the apartment, Shiro paid for the uber and dragged a half-asleep Lance out. Lance congratulated himself in his sleepy state that he also took his keys with the note.

"Keys?"

Lance handed him the keys, dozing off. Shiro had no trouble with finding the right keys, since he'd been here before. He led Lance inside, and shut the door, quickly locking it.

"Mm... Let's sleep in the living room... Couches are comfy... And I don't want to be alone in the bedroom now..."

Shiro patted his head as he laid down on the couch, the note in his pocket slipping out.

"Shiro... The note. Take it. Away. I don't want to look at it..."

Shiro obliged, and put it somewhere on the table. He was tired as hell too, but he just wanted to make sure Lance was well and asleep first.

As they laid on the opposite couches, sleep came fast to them.

 

★★★

 

When Lance came to, it was already morning. He was lying on the couch, with Keith nowhere to be seen. Why was he on the couch, where was Keith?

Just as he was about to shout his boyfriend's name, yesterday's events hit him like a truck. Keith's name died in his throat, instead he slumped further on the couch.

There were noises coming from the kitchen, and that must've been Shiro. With a sigh, he propped himself up, and yawned. He was sore everywhere, but that's what you get for sleeping on a couch meant for two people. His eyes swayed to the note crumpled up on the table, where Shiro put it last night.

He felt obligated to read it, the last words Keith wanted to say to him. He gulped, and with shaky hands, he reached for it. He mustered up all the courage he could, and unfolded the paper.

_"God, I don't even know how to start this. This whole thing feels like a huge joke. I guess it will feel like that to you when you find this in the morning as well. I probably sound like a selfish asshole, and now that I think about it, I probably am._

_This is the path I selfishly chose. Not thinking about the ones who get left behind. Neither you, nor Shiro... Or anybody else for that matter. This sounds hella crappy, considering that it's the last thing I'll leave behind._

_Do you understand now why I was so affectionate tonight? Why I let you hold me as much as you want, and in return clung to you like my life depended on it? Why I whispered "Goodbye" to you after you've fallen asleep?_

_Maybe I should be more specific. These are my last words to you, baby. I can already see the tears forming in your eyes by now, but please don't cry. I hate that I'm making you cry, but I gotta go. You're the best thing that has happened to me in my entire life, and I love you so, so much._

_But I can see that you're suffering as much as I am. The last thing I've ever wanted was to hurt you, but here I am, doing exactly that. And I decided to put an end to our misery._

_I can't take this anymore. No matter how hard I try, no matter how hard you or Shiro tries, the shadows of my past still haunt me. Everytime I close my eyes I see him, forcing me to the ground, forcing me to take him, violating me in every way. I just can't get rid of it. I hate it, I hate him and I hate myself. I hate that I'm making everyone sad._

_A yet another selfish part of me doesn't want to leave you, but you'll have Shiro. You'll have Pidge, Hunk and Allura. I don't want you to stay hung up on me. Go on with your life, live it to the fullest. Date new people, see places you've never seen, pick up new hobbies, just... be happy?_

_But if you remembered that there was a broken boy whom you once loved, that would make me really, really happy. Because I love you so much. I never wanted to make you sad. I'm so sorry."_

Tears silently fell on the paper as Lance held it in his shaky hands. No sound came out of him, but he could feel the sadness building up inside. Was this truly how Keith felt? Enough to drive him to what he did?

He silently kept on sobbing with the paper in his hands, and that was how Shiro found him. Vulnerable, lost, broken.

"Lance? What's....--"

Shiro trailed off, seeing the paper in his hands. He walked up to him, gently pried the paper out of his hands and tugged him to the kitchen, urging him to sit down and eat.

"Hey, we're going to see him now, remember? But you need to have breakfast first. Come on, I made pancakes. You like them, right?"

Yeah, that was right. Lance loved pancakes. But right now, as he kept chewing on his bite, he realized that Keith was what made everything fun. There was a bitter taste in his mouth, like he had just threw up.

Deciding that he wouldn't eat any more with that taste in his mouth, he joined Shiro in cleaning. They both looked ridiculous, with their pyjamas and bed hair, but Lance couldn't care less. He was finally going to see Keith. Alive and well. Everything else could wait.

When the uber Shiro had called beforehand came, Lance was quick to get in. The driver eyed them curiously, probably captivated by Lance's pyjamas with paw prints on them. He shrugged. Shiro told him the location to go and Lance couldn't help but to feel anxious. How would Keith react?

He took a deep breath and put that thought aside for now. He was going to see Keith. That was all that mattered.

When they arrived in the hospital, the female doctor from last night greeted them.

"Oh, Mr. McClain! We have prepared the papers you need to fill out. And Mr. Kogane hasn't woken up yet, but when you're done with the papers you can go up to his room. It's on third floor, room 215."

"Thank you. Where do I hand these when I'm done with them?"

"Oh, just over the reception desk there. Tell them it's for the late night case. He'll understand."

Lance nodded absently, and started to fill out the papers one by one. There weren't much to begin with, but the questions were hard for Lance to answer. Though with Shiro's hands keeping him steady, he found it easier.

When he was done, he handed in the papers and practically dragged Shiro to Keith's room. He stood there, like a scared deer. That's right, he was scared of what Keith would say. He turned around to meet Shiro's eyes. As always, Shiro gave him a gentle smile and nudged him on the shoulder.

He took a deep breath, and finally opened the door. But instead of seeing a sleeping Keith, he was met with that purple-blue eyes he adored so much staring back at him.

"Lance..."

Lance bit his lip to stifle the sob escaping him as he lunged at Keith, hugging him full force, burying his face to Keith's pale neck.

"I thought I've lost you.... Baby, I was so scared..."

"I'm... I'm so sorry Lance..."

"It's okay, you're here now. God, I love you so much, please don't do that again, okay?"

"I'll... I'll try. I promise."

Lance felt Keith place one hand on his head, stroking softly. He mumbled against his neck, dropping small kisses along with it.

"I told Shiro about... the thing."

Keith's eyes snapped up to Shiro, who had been standing at the doorway the whole time.

"You... did?"

"Yeah. I did. He said yes."

Even if Lance couldn't see it, he knew Keith was looking at Shiro.

"You did?"

"Yeah, I did."

With that, Keith extended a hand to Shiro, a clear invitation for him to join their hug pile. Shiro took it, and let himself be gently pulled against the two boys he loved more than anything.

They had a long way to go, lots of challenges to face, many obstacles to overcome, but right now, this, the three of them, basking in the love they were feeling, was just enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please drop a comment and let me know what you think! Also come find me at my Tumblr [koganestan](https://koganestan.tumblr.com) or [retinascanner](https://retinascanner.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, guys. Not my best work, but can you tell I'm venting?


End file.
